Can childhood trauma shape a lifetime of addiction? Cindy grew up in a home filled with alcohol, chaos, and fear that shaped her relationship with drinking for decades. She struggled with the detox to retox cycle, attending spiritual retreats to break free from alcohol only to fall back into drinking patterns once she returned home. After losing her brother to alcohol-related issues in 2020, Cindy finally found the strength to break free from her destructive patterns. Through This Naked Mind’s Path program, she has remained alcohol-free since September 2023, healing old wounds and discovering inner peace.

Chaos, Drama, and Uncertainty

Alcohol was around me since I can remember. I witnessed so much as a child. From adults having wild fun at parties that I attended with my parents to violent aggressive outbursts that got physical between my parents when we got home. I was in the way frequently. I rarely felt safe as a child. My parents divorced when I was 9 and my dad left. I became the adult and caretaker of my mom and younger brother Bill at that time. But by the time I was 16, I left home and was drinking, smoking, and drugging just as I witnessed my parents do. It was the only way I knew.

When I was a young child, alcohol scared me. I was always a very observant kid and watched in horror as adults around me went from happy-go-lucky when they first started drinking to violent with rage by the end of the night. I became small and invisible. Able to read a room at a very young age. I knew it changed people and I was fearful as a small child. As I got a little older though, probably around 8, 9, or 10, sometimes us kids at these parties would sneak alcohol. I immediately felt the weight of my constant worry leave me with that first buzz. I knew already that alcohol could take away my fears.

Childhood Trauma and Early Addiction

I knew alcohol was an issue just from watching the chaos in my life as a kid with parents who were heavy drinkers and drug users. Before I started drinking, there were situations of neglect and abuse in my home because of my parents’ relationship with drinking. At 8, I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor, an adult who was drunk and the live-in boyfriend of my mom’s best friend. I was actually blamed for the incident by the adults. I was very confused.

A bottle of scotch was thrown at my head by my mom’s best friend. Shattering on the wall above me and raining glass and liquor all over me. Utter chaos followed. Me trying to get my passed-out mom to come home with me and my brother in the middle of the night. I felt alone and abandoned in the world. After that, I never trusted anyone again. I would never be taken advantage of again, and that’s when I became Tough Cindy. I even refused to speak to any adults for that whole summer.

By the time I was 13/14, I was already hooked. Always looking to hang out with the older kids so I could get drunk with them. Drugs and sex also entered my life at this time. Drinking lowered my inhibitions and made it way too easy for me to put myself into risky situations. By the time I was 16, I left home to live with my cocaine-dealing boyfriend who was 10 years older than me.

Finding Purpose in Drinking as a Single Parent

After many years of drinking and drug use, I was just so tired of life. When I was 20, I felt I had lived a full lifetime already and really didn’t want to go on anymore. But I found myself pregnant by my live-in boyfriend and just heard a voice inside me that this could be my ticket out of chaos. I could finally rest and stop escaping for a while. Becoming a mom at 21 saved me. I had a purpose – finally a reason to live. It wasn’t easy but I knew I had to stop drinking and using drugs.

Becoming pregnant and having my daughter saved my life. But of course, during my pregnancy, I started using food as a coping/numbing/soothing technique since I took alcohol off the table. I didn’t know at the time that I needed to heal from childhood trauma in order for me to not turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, or food for comfort and soothing. That realization would not come until many years later.

I then let life just drag me along. Divorcing, finishing school, remarrying, had two more kids. Alcohol just was always there. Helping me in so many ways. Stress, sadness, celebrations. I gave alcohol so many jobs! But I was letting myself down because I had vowed not to raise my kids in chaos as my parents did. Drinking as a single parent was especially challenging because I had no safety net. After remarrying, I found my way to the wine crowd. And built many friendships around alcohol in my 30s and 40s.

The Detox to Retox Cycle That Kept Me Stuck

I did start “taking breaks” from alcohol around 2017 when I turned 50. I just wanted to stay “in control” of alcohol. That’s when I noticed that it really started taking more wine to get the same buzz but the hangovers started lasting more than just a morning. Took me a couple of days to recover from heavy drinking.

I was also following many spiritual teachers at this time. Still searching for ways to fill up my feelings of unease and emptiness. I was caught in a cycle of detoxing on spiritual retreats (Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Don Miguel Ruiz, Gabby Bernstein, and more), only to retox as soon as I could get home. For years I was trapped in the detox to retox cycle. I guess I was aware of my unhealthy relationship with drinking and was looking for ways to give myself breaks without having to “give up” alcohol because I was so afraid I was an alcoholic like my parents. And that thought filled me with shame.

Rethinking My Drinking

In 2019, I became a grandmother to my grandson Jacob. His birth really had me thinking about the way I raised my children and the way I was raised by my parents. There was a part of me that knew that this generational abuse of alcohol had to stop. I just didn’t have the tools yet to quit drinking other than beat myself up about it every morning when I woke at 3am with crazy anxiety.

During Covid in 2020, my alcohol intake increased. I also started smoking again and my husband started smoking pot daily. We started drinking earlier and earlier every day. Covid had me in fight or flight most everyday. But it was really freeze that I was most comfortable in and alcohol kept me stuck there. My youngest kid was in a residential mental health facility at this time which also added to the stress. Drinking as a single parent had prepared me for stress, but this was different.

Breaking the Detox to Retox Cycle After Loss

I was very aware of my out of control drinking. In total cognitive dissonance. Beating myself up every morning only to repeat the drinking pattern by the afternoon. I was so stuck in the vicious detox to retox cycle. And I just didn’t know or even care at times to try to get out.

Then my brother died in October 2020 of heart issues. Bill was only 50 years old. Acute alcohol abuse disorder was listed as a contributing factor. I didn’t realize how bad things got for him. When I went to clean out his apartment after his death, there were so many empty liquor and beer bottles everywhere. His apartment was a mess and he was obviously not taking care of himself for a long time.

I was shocked and distraught over his death. We took care of each other growing up. He was 3 years younger than me. By the time I was 18, my brother left home and came to live with me. Two kids pretending to be adults and trying to survive in a very chaotic world. He continued to live with me and my first husband when my daughter was born. And he lived with me after my divorce and helped raise my daughter when she was young.

We were always there for each other and I felt that I let him down. I left him on his own when I met my second husband. Moving too far to see him on a daily basis. I had lots of guilt mixed in with my grief when he died. His death was really the beginning of my changing my relationship with alcohol. I miss him everyday and feel his presence gently guiding me to be the best possible human I can be.

Searching For Control

I was always an all or nothing drinker. Some nights I would take off from drinking, only to drink excessively on my drinking nights. I could never just have one or moderate. I knew that a long time ago. The buzz and numbing was what I was after. Never the taste. There were times when I thought I should or may want to go to rehab but chose to book a spiritual retreat instead. No stigma or embarrassment around that. I also used exercise as a way to control alcohol. Started doing triathlons in my 40s because I could not drink excessively while training.

I joined the Path in July 2023. I have been alcohol-free since September 1, 2023. By removing alcohol, I am finally feeling my internal love, peace and joy. I am learning to soothe and comfort myself by just being with myself and letting my emotions naturally flow through. Like a miracle. Like magic. I am learning to love myself unconditionally again. I am grateful.

End The Detox to Retox Cycle

Have you had enough of the detox to retox cycle? Are you ready to find your forever freedom from alcohol? Claim that freedom and the peace you crave now! Join The Path just like Cindy did and experience the joy and healing she has found!

So much has changed in the last year. I am content with life now. I feel fulfilled now. In my heart, I have so much peace and love. I feel joy everyday. Yes, there are certainly moments of uncomfortableness and sadness and even grief. But I get to feel it all now. I have learned to forgive and to love again.

My relationships are the biggest positives now in my life. I was heading towards divorce but finding just the small act of acceptance and knowing that I cannot change another or many situations, was crucial in saving my marriage. The clarity, respect and love we have for one another now is amazing.

The work I am currently doing has also helped heal my relationships with my parents. I spent my whole life blaming them for my unhappiness in life. Learning to let go of that blame (and my shame) and truly know that they did the best they could with what they knew is so freeing. Both my parents died when I was in my 20s so I did not have the chance to heal our relationships as humans here on earth. I do know that our relationships are healed on a spiritual level I feel that they are proud of me for ending our family’s generational addiction.

I am looking forward to continuing to create a life that I do not need to numb out.

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